Ok, I came across this article today, which I suppose is meant to be laughable and titillating to the female population out there. Ha ha, men are clueless idiots who don't know what they're doing in the sack, AMIRITE LADIES?!
I hate articles like this. I realize they're supposed to be nothing more than just a bit of fluff, but it really pisses me off. Yes, we live in a society ruled by patriarchal standards. But how is something like this, which continues to create a gender divide, going to help fix the issues? Honestly when it boils down to it, there are men AND women who do things in the bedroom that might surprise, irk, frighten, or downright piss off their partner. The reason? Lack of awareness of what the other person wants, due to complete and utter lack of communication (or miscommunication). It has nothing to do with gender.
Most of these issues could easily be solved by simply talking to your partner before you engage in any new sexual activity. I realize that goes against what a lot of us were taught, but honestly, do you expect to have your needs met, and meet the needs of your partner, if you really have no idea what those needs are?
Lemme break down some of the finer points of this article for you:
1. ‘When they try to recreate sex positions that they’ve obviously seen on some online porn site, and you end up basically doing a headstand, looking a mess and having to listen to them say: “You’re loving that aren’t you babes?” Err, no.’
If your partner decides to try a new sexual position without discussing it with you first, perhaps the best approach, rather than staying silent and building resentment or being uncomfortable, is to simply ask them about it. "Hey babe, I don't remember us trying this before! Where did you see it? Is there something in particular about this position that you thought might be enjoyable for both of us?"
2. ‘When you’re on top and they’re just staring at you and it’s like, ahhh what face do I pull? So you just close your eyes and hope for the best.’
Ok I'm pretty sure we've all had awkward encounters/moments such as these. You don't need to make any sort of face. Your partner will relish the simple fact that you are enjoying yourself. So don't stress about what you look like (I know, easier said than done, right?) and instead concentrate on having a pleasurable experience for both of you.
3. ‘When they ask YOU to put the condom on. Just no.’
Why should it only be the man's responsibility to put it on? You have 2 hands. Why not use them? Do you have any idea how fun and erotic it can be to tease a man while he's erect and sloooooowly slide the condom on for him? It takes some of the pressure off of him and can be quite thrilling for both of you! Don't be like that.
4. ‘When they think it’s sexy to spank you so hard that you just want to turn around and punch them in the face.’
If there is no communication beforehand, yes, this is a problem. If you and your partner have never addressed impact play in the bedroom before and he just flat out wallops you on the bum, I'd wanna slap him too. I believe the issue here again would be lack of communication. If your lover ever does something like this without asking or discussing your comfort levels with you, you have every right to stop whatever you're doing and address the problem if you're uncomfortable. Let him know that these sorts of things need to be discussed before they are carried out, because you both need to know where your comfort levels lie. Personally, I happen to like having my ass spanked that hard, but hey, that's just me. And my partner knows that. ;)
5. ‘When they just stop, and it’s like, “hello? Did you hear me orgasm?” No.’
This is another problematic issue facing couples today. Men and women alike seem to believe that it is the man's job to get a woman to achieve orgasm. However that is not the case! While it is of course sometimes more fun to have your partner get you there, realistically, you are responsible for your own pleasure. If they are doing something that isn't working for you, tell them that. If they are doing something that feels particularly good, tell them that too. They don't know unless you tell them.
7. ‘When you give them a blow job and they start f*****g your face as if you don’t have a gag reflex. How about I’m sick all over your penis?’
I have a feeling I'm going to be answering a lot of these with one simple word: Communication. If you don't like it, tell him that. Maybe no one has ever told him that shoving his dick down their throat is not pleasant for them. Be the first one to do so.
9. ‘When they see random things they’ve read online and think they’re a good idea. Err no, I don’t want ice rubbed all over my body.’
Some of us actually enjoy sensation play; whether it be ice, hot water, having a pinwheel rolled across our nipples, etc. Some men really want to try these things on someone, and the issue here is that they are either too stubborn/ignorant/nervous/afraid to ask. So they just do it. Yeah, again, communication. If they don't ask you what you like, maybe open the conversation and ask them what they like, perhaps something they've always wanted to try but were too shy or embarrassed to ask about?
10. ‘When you’re in the middle of foreplay and they thrust a finger up your bum with NO warning.’
Yeah that's never cool. If someone does this, you obviously need to tell them that you aren't comfortable with anal play unless it has been discussed beforehand. Anal play can be very erotic and pleasurable, but never when it's a surprise.
11. ‘When they drag it out because they’re waiting for you to orgasm first. You’re going to be waiting a while for that…’
Your mouth isn't broken. Use it. Tell him that you don't think you can achieve orgasm today. If you think you can, tell him what he could try doing that would help you to get there. It's not just his responsibility and a lot of people, again, don't seem to realize that. Lend a helping hand.
12. ‘Trying to go down on you in the morning when you’re feeling really unsexy and unclean. Just gross.’
This one I laughed at because honestly, it was the first one I came across that I could fully agree with. I have never met a woman who feels sexy first thing in the morning... at least not sexy enough for cunnilingus. Let your lady shower first if you wanna taste her pleasure garden, fellas. We're also not big fans of your morning stank, so having a courtesy rinse before asking her to go down there is also a big plus in our books. ;)
13. ‘Putting their fingers in all your holes at once like they’re playing some sort of instrument. Far too confusing, you just don’t know what’s going on down there.’
This one of course boils down to personal preferences. If done right, yes, it can still cause a bit of sensory overload but feel amazing. Communicate.
14. ‘When they think it’s a good idea to stick objects in you. Just no.’
I'd really like to know what kind of objects this submission was referring to! If they want to stick a shampoo bottle inside of you, um, yeah I don't think I'd be on board with that. But there are literally thousands of insertable objects that are made exactly for this reason! Dildos, vibrators, etc. When you open yourself up to the world of sex toys, you open yourself up to more pleasure than you could ever have imagined! Trust me, I speak from experience, and I have a sex drawer full of toys that my husband and I use that would make most people feel very vanilla!
17. ‘Nipple biting. It just f*****g hurts.’
Yep, it does. And a lot of people are really into giving and/or receiving pain. If you're not, tell your partner that. Otherwise they'll think you like it and will keep doing it.
18. ‘Pulling your hair so hard you scream and your eyes water.’
This one goes with my answer to #17 above. Some of us enjoy this sort of play, but if you don't, communicate that to your partner.
The rest of this list can also probably just boil down to lack of communication. If your man wants to get jiggy with it and you are finding he's a bit smelly, ask him nicely if he wouldn't mind having a quick shower before you get down to business. Tell him it really turns you on when he's all squeaky clean and freshly shaven. So many nice ways of asking your partner to do things with and for you, and most people don't even try. They just get fed up and frustrated and say, "It's men's fault."
Well I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am not a mind reader. So why do you expect your man to be?
I hate articles like this. I realize they're supposed to be nothing more than just a bit of fluff, but it really pisses me off. Yes, we live in a society ruled by patriarchal standards. But how is something like this, which continues to create a gender divide, going to help fix the issues? Honestly when it boils down to it, there are men AND women who do things in the bedroom that might surprise, irk, frighten, or downright piss off their partner. The reason? Lack of awareness of what the other person wants, due to complete and utter lack of communication (or miscommunication). It has nothing to do with gender.
Most of these issues could easily be solved by simply talking to your partner before you engage in any new sexual activity. I realize that goes against what a lot of us were taught, but honestly, do you expect to have your needs met, and meet the needs of your partner, if you really have no idea what those needs are?
Lemme break down some of the finer points of this article for you:
1. ‘When they try to recreate sex positions that they’ve obviously seen on some online porn site, and you end up basically doing a headstand, looking a mess and having to listen to them say: “You’re loving that aren’t you babes?” Err, no.’
If your partner decides to try a new sexual position without discussing it with you first, perhaps the best approach, rather than staying silent and building resentment or being uncomfortable, is to simply ask them about it. "Hey babe, I don't remember us trying this before! Where did you see it? Is there something in particular about this position that you thought might be enjoyable for both of us?"
2. ‘When you’re on top and they’re just staring at you and it’s like, ahhh what face do I pull? So you just close your eyes and hope for the best.’
Ok I'm pretty sure we've all had awkward encounters/moments such as these. You don't need to make any sort of face. Your partner will relish the simple fact that you are enjoying yourself. So don't stress about what you look like (I know, easier said than done, right?) and instead concentrate on having a pleasurable experience for both of you.
3. ‘When they ask YOU to put the condom on. Just no.’
Why should it only be the man's responsibility to put it on? You have 2 hands. Why not use them? Do you have any idea how fun and erotic it can be to tease a man while he's erect and sloooooowly slide the condom on for him? It takes some of the pressure off of him and can be quite thrilling for both of you! Don't be like that.
4. ‘When they think it’s sexy to spank you so hard that you just want to turn around and punch them in the face.’
If there is no communication beforehand, yes, this is a problem. If you and your partner have never addressed impact play in the bedroom before and he just flat out wallops you on the bum, I'd wanna slap him too. I believe the issue here again would be lack of communication. If your lover ever does something like this without asking or discussing your comfort levels with you, you have every right to stop whatever you're doing and address the problem if you're uncomfortable. Let him know that these sorts of things need to be discussed before they are carried out, because you both need to know where your comfort levels lie. Personally, I happen to like having my ass spanked that hard, but hey, that's just me. And my partner knows that. ;)
5. ‘When they just stop, and it’s like, “hello? Did you hear me orgasm?” No.’
This is another problematic issue facing couples today. Men and women alike seem to believe that it is the man's job to get a woman to achieve orgasm. However that is not the case! While it is of course sometimes more fun to have your partner get you there, realistically, you are responsible for your own pleasure. If they are doing something that isn't working for you, tell them that. If they are doing something that feels particularly good, tell them that too. They don't know unless you tell them.
7. ‘When you give them a blow job and they start f*****g your face as if you don’t have a gag reflex. How about I’m sick all over your penis?’
I have a feeling I'm going to be answering a lot of these with one simple word: Communication. If you don't like it, tell him that. Maybe no one has ever told him that shoving his dick down their throat is not pleasant for them. Be the first one to do so.
9. ‘When they see random things they’ve read online and think they’re a good idea. Err no, I don’t want ice rubbed all over my body.’
Some of us actually enjoy sensation play; whether it be ice, hot water, having a pinwheel rolled across our nipples, etc. Some men really want to try these things on someone, and the issue here is that they are either too stubborn/ignorant/nervous/afraid to ask. So they just do it. Yeah, again, communication. If they don't ask you what you like, maybe open the conversation and ask them what they like, perhaps something they've always wanted to try but were too shy or embarrassed to ask about?
10. ‘When you’re in the middle of foreplay and they thrust a finger up your bum with NO warning.’
Yeah that's never cool. If someone does this, you obviously need to tell them that you aren't comfortable with anal play unless it has been discussed beforehand. Anal play can be very erotic and pleasurable, but never when it's a surprise.
11. ‘When they drag it out because they’re waiting for you to orgasm first. You’re going to be waiting a while for that…’
Your mouth isn't broken. Use it. Tell him that you don't think you can achieve orgasm today. If you think you can, tell him what he could try doing that would help you to get there. It's not just his responsibility and a lot of people, again, don't seem to realize that. Lend a helping hand.
12. ‘Trying to go down on you in the morning when you’re feeling really unsexy and unclean. Just gross.’
This one I laughed at because honestly, it was the first one I came across that I could fully agree with. I have never met a woman who feels sexy first thing in the morning... at least not sexy enough for cunnilingus. Let your lady shower first if you wanna taste her pleasure garden, fellas. We're also not big fans of your morning stank, so having a courtesy rinse before asking her to go down there is also a big plus in our books. ;)
13. ‘Putting their fingers in all your holes at once like they’re playing some sort of instrument. Far too confusing, you just don’t know what’s going on down there.’
This one of course boils down to personal preferences. If done right, yes, it can still cause a bit of sensory overload but feel amazing. Communicate.
14. ‘When they think it’s a good idea to stick objects in you. Just no.’
I'd really like to know what kind of objects this submission was referring to! If they want to stick a shampoo bottle inside of you, um, yeah I don't think I'd be on board with that. But there are literally thousands of insertable objects that are made exactly for this reason! Dildos, vibrators, etc. When you open yourself up to the world of sex toys, you open yourself up to more pleasure than you could ever have imagined! Trust me, I speak from experience, and I have a sex drawer full of toys that my husband and I use that would make most people feel very vanilla!
17. ‘Nipple biting. It just f*****g hurts.’
Yep, it does. And a lot of people are really into giving and/or receiving pain. If you're not, tell your partner that. Otherwise they'll think you like it and will keep doing it.
18. ‘Pulling your hair so hard you scream and your eyes water.’
This one goes with my answer to #17 above. Some of us enjoy this sort of play, but if you don't, communicate that to your partner.
The rest of this list can also probably just boil down to lack of communication. If your man wants to get jiggy with it and you are finding he's a bit smelly, ask him nicely if he wouldn't mind having a quick shower before you get down to business. Tell him it really turns you on when he's all squeaky clean and freshly shaven. So many nice ways of asking your partner to do things with and for you, and most people don't even try. They just get fed up and frustrated and say, "It's men's fault."
Well I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am not a mind reader. So why do you expect your man to be?
